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the-wind-chimes · 5 years ago

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i slept with my mom’s boyfriend when i was 15 and i wanna kill myself sometimes over it Part 1

6-17-2019 10:20 P.M.

WARNING THIS IS GRAPHIC!!!!!

Tonight’s one of those nights where I feel like I don’t deserve love. Because what I did was awful and I cannot forgive myself. It eats me inside out and it’s frustrating because everything I thought I knew turned dark. I struggle finding light to this day. I’ve always wanted to talk about this but I never could. I have so much fear telling this story because I’ll be slut shamed as if i don’t blame myself already.

He came into my life around my 8th grade year and we instantly got along. Mom was so happy that we did and even encouraged him, my sister, and i to spend time together. We used to go on what we called ice-cream runs and we always went to the movies together as a family in the middle of the night. I even went as far as calling this man my step-dad. I had so much love and trust for him. I remember one time I had my first heart break and he took me out for ice-cream just us two. He gave me advice and let me vent out my feelings. he hugged me and made me feel safe like a father should. And i’m not gonna lie, i loved him like he was my father. (omg this is already making me cry) Because i don’t hate him. I don’t, and i want to so bad. But he was my dad when my biological father didn’t want anything to do with me.

Freshman year came around and I was crushing on this guy, and we’ll call him Jordan. I had the biggest crush on Jordan and he said he liked me too. It was the first time I felt like i may have loved someone. He was super sweet up until he started making sexual advances towards me. The first time he ever touched me was in front of my mom and her boyfriend during a movie. I didn’t want to make a big deal because I really liked Jordan and I didn’t want him to go anywhere. So i let him touch me. But after the movie when it was just us two i talked to him privately and told him how uncomfortable he made me. But he kept on shushing me and he pushed me down on my knees and made me suck his dick. And that was the first time I have ever done anything. I remember him telling me “Just suck it like a lollipop”. So I did, until he came. Eventually it just got more sexual and he wanted more. So I gave it to him. I don’t know if it was love, or just fear he was gonna leave me if I didn’t make him happy. If I didn’t give it to him the way he wanted I would get the silent treatment. I always felt like I was doing something wrong, cause even when I was trying my hardest he’d give me the silent treatment. I broke down one day and my friends told me he was abusive and I should leave him or i’ll just keep suffering. So I got the courage to do it one day and he didn’t even react. he just kept scrolling on his phone. That night I sobbed like I was gonna drown to death in my tears. I cried till I was dehydrated and a headache slammed the back of my head. From there I got really depressed because I couldn’t tell anyone out of fear I was gonna get in trouble for having sexual interactions at the age of 15.

I never felt more lonelier in my entire life. Jordan however had no problem moving on. within the next day he had me replaced and rumor had it she was his everything. He treated her like the queen I wish he treated me as. He constantly was taking her out and was making out with her in front of me. I was strong for a while, i kept my head up and continued with school and tried my hardest to keep my grades up. But around Christmas break he started talking to me again and even went as far as apologizing to me. Jordan told me things I wanted to hear and even said he still cared about me and I melted into him. I loved him all over again. We were hanging out and he began making moves on me. he began kissing my neck and tears fell down my face. I was so confused. He was still with her yet he still wanted me? My naive self thought maybe some part of him still loved me? So I gave it to him, in fact I went even further. I lost my virginity right there on the kitchen floor. We didn’t say much after that. I went to my room and sat on my bed and had a another break down. So much confusion spun around in my head. And the biggest question I asked myself was why? A couple days later he was with her like nothing happened.

The week after that I lost my shit. I wanted my mother because I felt so emotional and I just wanted my mother’s love. She asked me over and over what was wrong and eventually I told her. I was grounded for a whole month and a half. No she didn’t care why, it was the fact I messed around her back that pissed her off. I remember she told me I must’ve wanted it too because I kept going back and messing around. So I left it at that.

A month after I fell into depression. I didn’t wanna eat, I lost so much weight. I’d wake up crying and went to bed crying. But eventually I got sick of crying. I was bossed up by my friends and they were encouraging me to find a new boyfriend. But I didn’t want anyone but Jordan. So I decided I’m gonna just find a quick hook up. So from there I met someone and we’ll call him Henry. He was tall with blue eyes and blonde hair. He looked mature and like he had good experience. I made plans to meet up with him and my mom saw the messages. I sent him a nude and everything and she went berserk. She broke my Tablet in half and had her boyfriend nail my window shut. She had called me a slut and had went on and on about how I never learn my lesson. I screamed and yelled back telling her I didn’t care and you’re making a big deal out of sex for no reason. I told her it doesn’t make me a slut if i enjoy it and she was baffled.

My step dad asked me if I wanted to go to Walmart with him that night. He thought I needed someone to talk to and so I went with him. We were walking around Walmart and I was asking him if he saw me as a slut or if he thought I was disgusting? He told me he didn’t care as long as I was safe and he was only upset because I didn’t know the dangers of sex and how to use a condom. He said he was willing to show me if I was down for it and I didn’t think anything of it. I said sure and he told me to wait in the car because It would look bad if a 28 year old man was buying a box of condoms with a 15 year old girl with him. I laughed it off and made my way to the car. He had bought a box of condoms and milk. We eventually made our way next to an abandoned Food World. A feeling of uneasiness took over my chest. I shook the feeling off though because I could trust him, right? It was pitch black I couldn’t even see in front of me. All that could be seen was in the rear view mirror a bunch of streets lights from a far. He turned the front light on in the car and opened the box of condoms. He showed me where the expiration date was. If I had to question how old a condom is, throw it out it’s no good. If I can’t feel any air pressure when pressing on the actual condom wrapper, then it’s no good. he handed it to me and made me feel the packet for air pressure. Then he pulled out his penis. I glanced and quickly averted my eyes to his face. This part is really fuzzy for me because at this point i began to panic. I wasn’t sure what to think. I couldn’t think. He slid the condom over his penis and he asked me if I wanted to feel it. Before I could reply he had grabbed my hand and put it on his penis. He was hard and got harder when my hand actually touched his penis. I eventually shut my brain down from there. I couldn’t run from this situation. We were in the middle of no where and I needed to protect myself. So my body went into auto pilot. “I can’t really show you how it works, I need to cum for that” he said. I said okay. He pulled my body onto his and from there he entered me while I was on top. He was larger than I was used to and I felt like my vagina was being shredded in two. I told him he was hurting me and he apologized. I thought it was over from there and when I tried to crawl back into my seat he grabbed my hips and entered me from behind. The pain worsened and it burned like hell. He then flipped me over onto my stomach and he grabbed my face and leaned in close. He was trying to kiss me and was complimenting my body. he told me “You’re so beautiful” and, “I can’t believe this is happening.” After a few more minutes he pulled out and came into the condom. He tied it up and threw it into the woods.

I crawled back into my seat and slid my pants back on. He slid his back on too and asked me if I was okay. I didn’t say a word. I just stared outside the window. I was so sore, my vagina felt like it was blistered from the inside out. He told me he was sorry. Then we drove back with the radio on. I didn’t look at him not once. When we pulled into the driveway he stopped me from getting out of the car. “You know I wouldn’t do anything to hurt you, right?” those words resonate in my head to this day. He told me not to make eye contact with anyone when I get into the house and just go straight into my room. And I did exactly that. I couldn’t even cry that night. I was numb and my emotions were off.

I didn’t see Jordan at school the next day. I was sitting on the bleachers with my best friend and we’re gonna call her Beautiful. She could tell something was wrong and really kept pushing me to talk. We walked out of the gym and went to the bathroom to talk. From there I told her what happened. She flipped her shit and we both sobbed on the bathroom floor together. I was holding onto her so tight telling her I was sorry and begged her over and over not to say anything. I made her promise not to. She looked me dead in the face and told me I was raped and I refused to believe it.

I’m not really sure where else to go with this story. That same week He asked me to help him get groceries and we had a conversation in the car. He told me again “You know I wouldn’t do anything to hurt you”. I asked him what would happen if mom found out? He told me I wouldn’t want to do that, it’d mess everything up for me. My mother wouldn’t love me and would send me to live with my grandparents. She wouldn’t want anything to do with me anymore. I would be a slut and a whore to my family and I would have to live with that. He asked me a couple of times if I could live with what I’ve done. I had no answer. I didn’t have an answer for anything it seemed. I told him my friend Beautiful knew what happened. He told me she had a big mouth and I shouldn’t have told anyone at all. He told me again what life would be like if anything was said and if my mother found out. From there I was cornered. I didn’t plan on telling her, but now I definitely didn’t want her to know.

I really started thinking about how disgusting I was for it all. How selfish I was. How insensitive and what a monster I was. Why didn’t I just say no? This all wouldn’t have happened if I just said no. My mother didn’t deserve this. She’s already been hurt so so so so so much in the past. I can’t believe I put her through it again. I am so fucking disgusting. I cannot believe what I just did to my mother, my sister, my family, and to myself. I’ve created wounds that are forever gonna be here. I can always try to move forward but this guilt runs deep.

I stayed quiet all summer long. I still cared about my step-dad in a twisted fucked up way. because despite what happened I still wanted a family. I still wanted a father. I wanted my mom to be happy. I pretended like nothing happened. I pushed it so far back into my mind. We stayed a happy family. I began hanging out with him more often again and we went back to normal I guess?

there’s much more to this story but It’s super late now, 12:50. My wrist are tired from typing. I’m sorry for any typos. this took me a lot to type out. I haven’t publicly spoke about this before out of fear and that’s why I keep this account completely anonymous.

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